5 Deal-Breaker Convos Every Couple Should Have
Dating is hard. The older you get, the more you learn about how important it is not to waste time with people who aren’t the right fit. The hard part is that sometimes you don’t realize they aren’t the right fit until you’re invested. This is why it’s good to have some difficult discussions early on so that neither of you are wasting each other’s time. Catching those non-negotiables early in a relationship can be helpful for everyone, though those types of conversations are often not easy to have if they don’t happen naturally.
Take the time to think hard about what you want in a partner, what your priorities are, and what you’re willing to work through. Not everyone will have the same red flags, but knowing yours will be helpful when having these conversations.
Sexual Health and Expectations
Talking about sexual health is a difficult subject to broach. It can feel like you’re ruining the mood instead of letting your sexual relationship unfold spontaneously, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk about it very early on — preferably before the mood strikes. Talk about protection, STDs/STIs, and the last time you’ve both been tested. If it’s been a while, consider getting tested together through couples STD testing. Being safe is a lot more important than avoiding an awkward topic.
It’s also helpful to talk about your sexual and romantic expectations with each other. It can be helpful to discuss what you’re looking for in a sexual partner, or whether or not you’re exclusive. Discuss your relationship expectations, and what you’re looking to get from your relationship. Though those answers may seem obvious to you, they may not be so black and white.
Family Relationships and Children
Everyone’s relationship with their family and hopes for the future are a little different, and the hope is that you find someone with the same family values and view of the future that you have. Talking about family is a great way to learn about each other, and an aspect in understanding them. It’s not just about how close they are to their family, but gauging the time they choose to spend with family over other matters. For you, family may be more important than things like work. They may not feel the same way. It’s vital for long-term compatibility to know that.
Talking about having kids and getting married may seem like a scary conversation to have early on, but those can be deal-breakers for people. Will you still want to be with them long-term if they don’t want marriage and children? It’s good to ask yourself that and to have that talk if it’s a non-negotiable.
Finances and Goals
Money can be a source of contention in a relationship, so it’s important to take that into account when you’re dating. One study shows that 55% of people across all ages don’t have $500 for an emergency. If you’re a saver, and the thought of dating someone who isn’t budget-conscious stresses you out, it might be something to talk about. Even if you don’t think finances will be a source of conflict now, it might be later. This is not about caring about their net worth, but more about making sure you’re on the same page with how you manage your money.
Your goals, like going to school, climbing the ladder in your profession, or starting a business, are finance-adjacent and are just as vital to discuss. It can be hard if the person you’re dating isn’t as supportive of your goals, or lacks goals themselves. Talking about your goals may come up a little more naturally than some other topics, which can make them easier to discuss.
Religion and Personal Beliefs
Religion, personal beliefs, and politics can be polarizing topics. These conversations are often hard to have, and hard to go into with an open mind. Though many couples agree to disagree on things like politics and religion, many others find disagreements about this topic to be too hard on their relationship. It can be helpful to take a personal inventory of your own beliefs, and to decide which ones are non-negotiable for you. If the topic doesn’t come up naturally, you might want to bring it up anyway if it’s a deal-breaker for you. Even if it’s not one of yours, it could be one of theirs.
Free Time and Hobbies
Common interests can be one of the first things to bring couples together. Having similar hobbies shows compatibility, and plenty of couples thrive in that aspect of a relationship. For instance, travel can be a big long-term goal for many people, and that shared interest can strengthen relationships through building memories and new experiences together. If travel is important to you, but not to your significant other, that might be a problem down the line. You might disagree on spending money on travel if both of you don’t enjoy it.
This is why you should pay attention to what they do in their free time, and if their hobbies are similar to yours. Though you can absolutely have hobbies that don’t include each other, the disconnect can be hard on some relationships if your interests are too different and limit the time you spend together.
While it can be hard for couples to have these hard conversations, doing so will help to limit time wasted with an incompatible partner. Chances are they will come up at some point, and having them early will help to gauge how a relationship will go before each person has invested too much time and emotion. Everyone’s deal-breakers are different. Decide on yours, and have these conversations with your partner to ensure you’re spending time with the right person. Your time is precious, and you deserve to spend it with someone who you are compatible with.
